I survived 2024 (cali) sober, but here's the story of my close call with cocaine in December and how I managed to stay clean.
The holidays are notoriously hard for sober people and I was feeling pretty burned out with all the commitments I had made. I definitely over-extended myself past the point of what I was energetically available to give, I was getting overwhelmed and felt the cravings starting to bubble up in my consciousness.
I wanted to numb, I wanted to escape. I was hurting physically and emotionally.
Even when you tell yourself that using is not worth it, it's not always enough to remedy the craving. So, I was taking care of myself the best ways that I could, but was still struggling. (In this video, I share how I stay sober.)
There was one night that I felt particularly worse than I've felt in a long time. I was basically having a nervous breakdown, shit was bad. I put on an old pair of jeans that I hadn't worn in over a year and got myself together enough to leave my apartment to try distracting myself. I was with a friend and later noticed I felt something in my front pocket. I figured it was random cash, got excited, and by some sick fucking joke of the Universe, wouldn't ya know... I pulled out a bag of blow.
My heart sank. I froze. The feeling of that bag in my hand with plenty of powder for a "good" time immediately flashed me back to those ridiculous nights (turned into days) I had with friends and strangers alike. I wanted it.
It was a miracle that I didn't find that dumb bag when I was alone... My friend saw me discover it and freeze, but without hesitation, she said, "Girl, throw that away!!" I did, but if I'd been by myself, I don't know that I could guarantee I would have tossed it.
It was only in my hand for maybe a total of 10 seconds before I dumped it, but even such a seemingly small encounter left me majorly spiraling. I was shocked – shocked that's what was in my pocket, and not surprise cash, shocked I got to feel a bag in my hand after 16 months sober, and shocked that I actually tossed it.
So how'd I stay sane after that?
I cried a LOT, like just straight wept. I screamed in my car when I was alone. I watched a lot of Netflix. I spent time by myself, I spent time with my friends. I painted. I danced. I meditated. I cold plunged. I smoked weed (of course). I cried more. And maybe one of the most important things I did... I forgave myself - for the times I used, for the times I craved and all the seemingly helpless/hopeless moments in between.
That tiny blip in time shook me to my core, but I just have to keep coming back to how grateful I am for sobriety. My life has radically changed for the better since getting sober on August 8, 2023 and it's single handedly the best thing I've ever done.
So, good one, Universe. That actually was not a funny joke and I hope I don't find anymore surprise baggies of blow this year. Happy 2025 motherfuckers, here's to many more years sober and alive.
Thankful for your support & encouragement through it all,
P <3
(P.S. I have a free "Centered and Sober Meditation Series" here.)
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